Monday, December 19, 2005

She turned me into a newt!!!

So, you’ve probably been wondering just what IS going on with that Aardvark guy anyway?

Me too.

Truth is, I’ve been sick.

Body aches, fever, chills, sweats, dehydration, loss of appetite, no energy, sick. And, with my apologies in advance for providing too much information, you know there’s a problem when you drink fluids all day and can only muster up a dribble or two of pee about the color of what’s in cousin Buford’s spit cup.

Based on how I felt, it was somewhat reminiscent to the pneumonia I had some years back. So, that was my initial self-diagnosis. And, since I don’t have any sick days accrued yet at the new job, not going to work isn’t really a good option. So every morning it was drag myself in and then try to make it through the day without falling over or knocking into people, then drag myself home and collapse on the sofa.

After about a week of this, I finally decided to miss a day of work and go see the doctor. Wouldn’t you know, that’d be the one day we had some ice and the Dr.’s office was closed. So, it was off to the inaptly named CareNow clinic. Three hours of waiting found me in a room where the nurse practitioner asked a couple of questions, looked in my ears, listened to me breath and said I had bronchitis and ear infections and would I like a $100 breathing treatment? No thanks. But I did go for the $72 steroid shot. Yah. I told the nurse who came in and gave me the shot that she was now in a very select company. Contrary to what you may have heard, I don’t show my tush to just ANYBODY. Ten days of antibiotic (which would also knock out pneumonia…we checked) samples, and $200 later, it was back home to rest.

The next day (Friday) the steroid shot was in full effect and I didn’t feel to bad. By Saturday, it was back to the couch. Sunday we played handbells at church, and not being one to let the team down, I somehow made it through long enough to play my notes. As a bonus, I even played them in the right spot. Then Mrs. A took me home to wallow some more on the sofa.

Monday morning was up and off to work. Barely. (Not a reference to my sartorial status) By 10:00 AM, I once again gave in to my better sense and called my REAL doctor for an appointment. I could see the nurse practitioner at 1:15. Fine. I’ll take it.

Get there by 12:45. Fill out paperwork. Wait. Get called about 1:20, so that’s not so bad. Weigh. Sit. Rattle off list of health related symptoms/complaints. Check to see if I have blood pressure. I do. Get cup to pee into. Shuffle down to bathroom. Pee some 10W-40 into the cup. Return to exam room and wait. Nurse practitioner arrives some time later. “You’re urine was dark!” No duh, lady. Turns out I have high levels of protein and bilirubin in my tinkle. Swell. She listens to me breath, looks in my ears and has me lie down so she can smash all over my abdomen with her fists. Now, to be fair, she wasn’t taking a wind up, just pushing and poking. “That hurt?” Nope. “How about that?” Nuh-uh. “That?” Sorry. No. Says they need to run some blood work and they’re going to do a flu test while they’re at it. Okay, you’re the doc. She says it’s probably something viral, since it hasn’t responded to the antibiotics. But go ahead and finish taking the antibiotics anyway. I need fluids and rest. Brilliant. She leaves and after a couple of minutes the nurse comes back in and sticks a swab up my nose to a depth of approximately 3/8” from the back of my head. She pulls it out and examines it and determines that she got enough of whatever it was she was fishing for. Turns out that was the flu test. The good news is, I don’t have the flu. Next up is drawing blood. I’ve never had a problem with this before, but then again I’ve never had to do it when I was so dehydrated. After cinching and poking and uncinching and tapping and recinching and poking and tapping, she decides to retreat. The next nurse comes in, puts on the tourniquet and hits liquid gold the first time. I should have lab results from the blood in two to three days. My new self-diagnosis is Hepatitis-A.

$250 later I head home for the safety of my couch.

Which is where I stay all day Tuesday. By Wednesday, I’m not really feeling much better, but am reluctant to miss more work, so I once again heave my slimy carcass into the car and go to work. I’m not completely coherent, but fortunately that’s not so unusual, so nobody notices. Home. Sofa. Work. Home. Sofa. Thursday afternoon, not having heard from the doctor’s office about my blood results, I call. They call back saying the additional tests they ordered haven’t been completed. They’ll call when they get them. Probably Friday. They don’t call Friday. I’m shocked. Spend as much of Saturday and Sunday as possible on the sofa. Notice Saturday evening that my appetite has begun to return. At least food is starting to SOUND good. Notice Sunday that pee is beginning to look more like, well…pee, instead of furniture polish. What’s this? Am I feeling better?


Today was a pretty good day, though I’m tired now. The Dr.’s office did call today to tell me all my Hep panels came back negative, but that I did have some elevated liver enzymes in my blood. No alcohol and no Tylenol for two weeks (not a problem, believe me) and then back to the doctor’s office for a follow up test. If things are still out of whack, then the next step is a sonogram to see what they can see. I’m hoping for twins.

No. Wait…

Anyway, it would be nice if we could do this AFTER my new health insurance kicks in. Yah think?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

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