Friday, November 28, 2003

Running with scissors

I feel pretty confident in saying that I'm in the minority of Americans today: the ones who actually had to go to work. So here's how the day has gone.

I drove my wife's car in to work today. It's a long story, but my wife's currently almost to Houston, riding with her brother. They're going to visit their mom and are planning on driving back tonight. Nothing like 10 hours in a car to remind you you're family.

Anyway, since her car was parked behind mine, I drove hers to work today. I also (as I usually do) brought along some coffee to drink on the way to work. Some days I finish it before I get there and other days I forget it's there and wind up carrying it in and finishing it up inside. I have about four or five different "to go" cups with lids to put my coffee in. Since my wife left early, there was "extra" coffee this morning (at least for me). Hmmm. I bet there's more than will fit into one of THOSE cups. Why don't I use this BIG glass (heavy acrylic) to carry it in?

Yes, why don't I? It's not like I haven't done it before.

It was chilly this morning (in the 40s) so I put on my light gloves and grabbed my big, full, hot glass of coffee, and Heigh-Ho! (you can see it coming, can't you)

Made it through downtown A-ok, but decided I'd better turn the heater fan off before it got too warm. Switch the coffee to the left hand, turn fan off, grab coffee with right hand, fail to notice that right hand has trapped glove on left hand against glass, spastically try to remove left hand from glass.

"THAR' SHE BLOWS!"

The good news: I only had about half a glass of coffee left before my juggling act.

The bad news: What wasn't on the ceiling and visor (yes, that's right, the CEILING AND VISOR) was now warming my legs (it had cooled enough to not be scalding).

What would you do? Something sensible and sane like...wait, if you were sensible and sane you wouldn't be IN this mess to begin with. Scratch that. Something SAFE like pull over to the side of the road to clean up this mess? Right, well, that's obviously NOT what I did then.

Step 1: Assess extent of damage. Let's see, most of the liquid has now soaked into my pants (ah, to be young again...) and other than what's dripping from the ceiling, everything else seems to be reasonably dry.

Step 2: Inventory assets. Oh! A napkin! Excellent.

Step 3: Begin mop-up operations. First the ceiling...Hey! it must be Scotch Guarded because it didn't soak in. Now the steering wheel. Let's see, a drip here, some over there...

Step 4: Weave all over the road like a mad man. Whew! Good thing most people aren't trying to get to work this morning and I have the road to myself. Maybe I should pull over? Nah!

Step 5 Remove soggy gloves

Step 6: Drink whatever coffee remains in glass.

Step 7: Continue discovering little "rain drop" splashes of coffee and soaking them up with soggy napkin.

Step 8: Look up and discover visor (Hey, when did they put that there!).

Step 9: Cogitate briefly on whether or not coffee could be lurking between ceiling and visor.

Step 10: Flip visor down, obscuring line of vision.

Step 11: Ignore line of vision and use back of hand to determine dampness.

Step 12: Use remaining dry corner of napkin to dab dry ceiling/visor.

Step 13: Repeat step 4.

Fortunately, traffic remained light and all police personnel were otherwise occupied.

I wonder if my wife will notice if her car starts smelling like coffee?

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